By Carrie Salvatore
You made it through the Terrible Twos—the tantrums, the power struggles, the overwhelming sense of “What now?”; only to find yourself, years later, staring down the next developmental storm: Middle School. And what a storm it is, hopefully this will help you navigagte this voyage.
Welcome to the Terrible “Toos,” Part Two.
Middle School—whether you call it Junior High, the tween years, or simply grades 6 through 8—is a time of profound transformation for children and parents alike. It’s second only to the astonishing growth of the first four years of life. Think back: From birth to age four, your child went from total dependency to walking, talking, and asserting independence at every turn. Now, brace yourself, because you’re about to experience that all over again—only this time, with hormones, identity development, and social dynamics layered on top amidst growing challenges academically at school.
Let’s be honest: the start of Middle School can feel just as disorienting as those early parenting days. Remember bringing your newborn home? You were exhausted, overwhelmed, and convinced there had to be a manual you missed. And yet, you managed. Your child grew, survived, and thrived. You adapted and also survived.
Now, as your not-so-little one enters Middle School, you’re back in that uncertain space, wondering what’s coming next and how to guide them through it. Only now, instead of tummy time and sippy cups, you’re navigating course schedules, social pressures, shifting moods, and that intense desire for independence (and occasional attitude) that seems to arrive overnight.
So, What Are These “Terrible Toos”?
We call them the “Terrible Toos” because this age is filled with extremes. Everything is too much or not enough—too tall, too short, too loud, too quiet, too cool, too awkward, too emotional, too detached. And it all happens in rapid succession.
Middle Schoolers are undergoing a seismic shift—physically, emotionally, socially, and cognitively. It’s a time when the brain is remodeling itself at astonishing speed, when emotions can swing from joy to despair in a heartbeat, and when peer perception becomes a powerful force. You can’t keep up with who is friends with whom, what is cool and what is not, imagine how your child is feeling as they confront these changes and uncertainties.
As a parent, you may notice this change almost overnight: your once chatty child clams up; your easygoing kid suddenly bursts into tears over a forgotten homework assignment; your confident student is suddenly unsure of themselves in the face of a social slight. And you’re left wondering, “What happened?” Your child is also wondering, “What happened?” but they are more often than not, unable to articulate that, hence the unusual emotional response you often see.
Here’s what’s happening: your child is seeking independence while desperately needing reassurance. It’s a paradox that defines this stage. They’ll never admit it, but they still need you – your structure, your boundaries, your guidance, your love, even as they push you away.
Independence vs. Support: The Balancing Act
This is one of the great challenges of parenting a Middle Schooler: learning when to step in and when to step back. Much like when they first learned to walk, this is a time for wobbling, falling, and learning how to get back up. You’re not letting them fail—you’re teaching them resilience and you are letting them learn on their own. You’re showing them that mistakes are not the end of the world, but a step toward growth and mistakes are ok, we all learn from mistakes.
They will test limits (often testing your patience as well). They will make questionable choices. And they’ll need to hear “no”—firmly, lovingly, clearly, and regularly. They may respond to your “no” with an eye roll, a slammed door, a grunt, or a scream. That simple word can feel hard to say in the moment, but remember: they don’t need you to be their friend. They need you to be their anchor and their guide. They want to hear “no” though they will never admit it. During social struggles, you can be the savior by saying no and then they can blame it all on you while maintaining their “social status”. The “mean parent” can be the best thing for a middle schooler socially.
The Social Minefield: Navigating the “Toos”
One of the most challenging aspects of Middle School is the social landscape. It’s during these years that children begin to grapple with where they fit in. This is where the “toos” often hit hardest—too this, not enough that. It’s a time when children compare themselves constantly to their peers, often harshly, and sometimes project their own insecurities onto others.
You may hear comments like:
“She’s too tall.”
“He’s too quiet.”
“They’re too smart, too weird, too emotional, too different.”
It can feel cruel—and sometimes it is. But more often, it’s a reflection of internal confusion and insecurity. Most students aren’t inherently mean; they’re just struggling to figure out who they are in a time when everything feels uncertain. Unfortunately, in that confusion, they sometimes hurt one another.
If your child becomes the target—or even the one doing the targeting—it can be devastating. As a parent, your instinct is to fix it. But more often than not, what they need most is your presence, not your solutions. They need to know they’re not alone. They need someone to listen without judgment. They need your calm in their storm.
So, What Can You Do?
- Listen without immediately offering advice. Sometimes they just want to be heard.
- Set boundaries with love. Say “no” and mean it and stick to it!
- Remember what you’ve already done. You’ve guided them through enormous change before. You can do it again.
- Let them fall—just a little. And be there to help them get back up.
- Don’t take the eye rolls personally. They’re testing, not rejecting.
Middle School is messy. It’s unpredictable. It’s exhausting. But it’s also a time of remarkable growth. With your guidance, even through the Terrible “Toos,” your child will come out on the other side stronger, wiser, and a little more like the person they’re meant to be.
And who knows? You might even get a side hug along the way.
With over 30 years of experience in education and nearly 25 years specializing in admissions, Carrie Salvatore brings a wealth of knowledge and expertise to the field of independent schools, including admission, marketing, events, parents, and students.